I want desperately to turn back time and give him one last hug. I want to make sure he knows how adored he is and how honored I am that he chose to be a part of my life. Why does losing an animal feel more like losing a part of myself? He was more than a dog, he was the best of me – my best intentions, my playfulness, my loyalty, my trust, my eagerness to make others happy – he was an extension of my own soul.
Rumi said, “Don’t grieve. Anything you love comes round in another form.”
I believe these words. I know them, in my heart, to be true, and yet I ache. Not because I don’t believe that Ollie’s energy won’t come back to me in a beautiful way…but because I don’t feel strong enough to let go of the form I’ve come to cherish. When I think of Ollie I want to be able to snuggle him, play with him, watch him do what he does best – spread joy and love with his goofy grin and his ability to love and be loved by anyone he meets. I see a big black dog that makes me feel safe and loved no matter what is happening in my life. Now that he has left this physical body I don’t know where to look for him and I don’t know how to feel him anymore. I feel he is lost to me…
But again, I come back to Rumi’s words and I know that the despair and pain that I am feeling is my Ego having trouble letting go. My suffering stems from my unwillingness to embrace change in all its forms and to surrender to what the Universe has in store for me. I need not suffer, for my heart knows that the love Ollie and I share has not left me.
I can feel my heart break a little more each time I think of him, and it takes all of my strength and focus not to let the wound callous over. I want my heart to remain open. I am trying to experience the waves of emotion as an exercise of the heart…each time it breaks it rebuilds itself stronger than before. I am open to the energy around me, open to expanding my heart chakra and amplifying my capacity to give and receive Love in all its forms. I feel as though this is one last lesson Ollie has to teach me.
I am so sad. I am so grateful. I am so in love and so ready to be in love forever. I am willing to let this love wash over me and through me until I am cleansed of all impurities. I am ready to let my light shine brighter because of this. I believe in the good things coming.
Rumi also said, “the wound is the place where the light enters you.”
This wound is massive, and so the shock of the light entering me sends pain searing through my body. It is only hard because it is unfamiliar. It is only hard because I am clinging to the past. I know that if I remain open hearted these feelings will subside and I will be left with a greater opening for light and love to enter into my life.
Ollie’s departure from life is like a wrecking ball, but rather than focus on the rubble, I choose to see the opportunity to rebuild anew. I am already becoming someone else. Thank you Ollie. I will never forget you.